Are you thinking of getting a divorce because:
- Your spouse is abusing you and your children physically?
- Your spouse is an alcohol and drug dependent and is not even thinking of dealing with the addiction?
- Does Your spouse prioritize gambling than being responsible for your finances?
- You want to have a baby and thought your spouse wanted a child too, but now says he or she doesn’t?
These situations may not change or be resolvable. They may be deal-breakers. If you are in these situations, you need to get some help in deciding what you can accept and cannot accept. If you cannot accept these situations, then you need to leave, particularly if there is violence.
Are you thinking of getting a divorce because:
- Does your spouse often get angry, blaming, and judgmental with you?
- Is your spouse often withdrawn, resistant, and uncommunicative?
- Your spouse won’t discuss things and try to resolve conflict with you?
- There is no passion in the relationship?
- Is your spouse addicted to work, TV, sports, spending, exercise, food, or nicotine?
- Do You feel bored with your spouse?
- You feel you no longer have anything in common?
- Everything is an argument?
- Do You feel lonely in the relationship?
- Are you not getting your needs met?
- Your partner is not turned on to you and rarely wants to have sex, or vice versa?
- You are convinced that your partner no longer cares about you?
- Your partner is having an affair, or do you think your partner is having an affair?
These are situations that often can be resolved because these are generally situations that are the result of a dysfunctional relationship system – the control/resist relationship system.
If you are experiencing any of these situations, you first need to get your eyes off your spouse and onto what you are doing. You will stay stuck if you have convinced yourself that the problems are primarily your partner’s fault.
Now, are you ready to be honest with yourself and your participation in the problems in the relationship? Ask yourself:
- Are you being reactive to your spouse by getting angry, blaming, judging, or threatening?
- Are you being reactive to your spouse by resisting or withdrawing in response to your partner’s behavior?
- Are you giving yourself, going along with things rather than speaking up and telling your truth about what you want and don’t want?
If you are doing any of these things, you are trying to control your spouse rather than take responsibility for your feelings. As long as you are trying to control your spouse with these reactions rather than learning to take full 100% responsibility for your feelings, you will be creating the problems that are causing you to want to leave your marriage.
Getting a divorce without healing your end of the codependent relationship system is a waste of time. You learn nothing by leaving and will continue the same dysfunctional reactive behavior in your next relationship. Even if it is okay to end up alone, you will not have learned to take responsibility for your feelings. Without learning this, you will likely be no happier alone than you were in the marriage.
What does it mean to take responsibility for your feelings? It means that when you are feeling bad, you go inside and explore what YOU are telling yourself or doing that is causing you to feel bad. It means that you stop being a victim of your spouse and learn to treat yourself with love and kindness.
If you learn to take responsibility for your own feelings and make yourself joyful and peaceful, there is a good possibility that your marriage will heal.