“Friends with an EX”
Most of us know it all too well. Whether your relationship ended by mutual agreement or feelings on your end that you see your significant other as more of a friend than a lover, the “I’d like us to be friends still” conversation often comes into play. It is hard to fully let go sometimes, especially if the relationship began with a friendship. You do not want to completely ruin what you had just because a romantic relationship didn’t work out. You can still talk all the time, hang out, and go see a movie… just without all the feelings, right?
If your relationship ended due to infidelity, abuse, jealousy, or trust issues, remaining friends is almost impossible. However, somehow we have the notion that a lasting friendship should be no problem if the breakup is amicable.
Whether or not the breakup was your call, cutting a person out of your life—someone with whom you’ve shared secrets, dreams for the future, a bed, or even a home—is really, really tough.
But even after the hard part is over, it’s never as cut-and-dry as simply saying goodbye. In today’s smartphone-centric, Facebook-addicted, Instagram-obsessed world, staying in touch with an ex is a lot easier—and messier.
Maybe you want to remain friends with an ex because that’s an easier option than cutting ties abruptly or because you still feel emotionally attached to them. Those reasons are exactly why staying in contact with an ex isn’t a good idea.
It is NOT necessarily wrong to stay friends with an ex, but it can be very challenging and leave you emotionally in a tough spot.
Here are three things to consider before opening up the lines of communication:
- How Emotionally connected are you?
Think about your ex. How do you feel? If you honestly don’t feel anything at all—like totally, 100 percent neutral, an emotional zero on a scale from one to 10—then it may be possible to stay friendly with them in a healthy and functional way. Most of us don’t (and can’t) truly feel that way. “If you feel any emotion when you think of your ex—if you’re angry, pining, frustrated, or unsure—that means you’re still connected, which signals you have some emotional baggage you need to unpack before you think about reaching out.
- How did the relationship end?
If there are legitimate reasons to remain cordial (for instance, you have mutual friends and children, or you work at the same company), then by all means, be civil toward one another. We’re all mature adults here, right?
And if you were friends before, it is possible to go back to being friends again—regardless of who broke up with whom. The caveat: If one or both of you were romantically interested in each other during the previous friendship, you may (again) have trouble keeping things platonic. That’s why it’s probably a good idea to wait until you’ve recovered from the breakup to re-establish a friendship, which could take months or even years, depending on the nature of the split.
Remember – When someone breaks up with you that means they don’t want to be in a relationship with you.” It may sound like tough love but remember: You want to be with someone who wants to be with you
- The FEELINGS- Consider how you and your Ex feel about the BREAK-UP.
Would you feel comfortable hanging out with your ex and your current partner together? “If the answer is no, then staying friends with your ex may not work,” Breines says. And if you’re sneaking around and not telling your new Significant Other- that you’re in touch with your ex, that’s definitely a bad sign.
However, if your partner would be totally cool knowing or finding out about your communication with your ex, then keeping that connection is probably fine.
Finally, staying in touch with an ex when you’re with a new partner could lead you to (falsely) believe the GRASS IS ALWAYS GREENER, especially when you’re upset or annoyed with your current significant other- you may think that things would be better with someone else. “But this way of thinking is a trap and could prevent you from ever being happy where you are.
The temptation to stay in touch with an ex is normal—we’ve all been there. If you need to remain civil (and can), by all means, go for it. But if you’re hanging onto the hope of getting back together, giving them the wrong impression, or risking your current relationship, that’s another story.
THE TWO reasonable excuses to stay friends with an ex: You were always better friends than lovers, and both of you agree. And, if you feel that the breakup was due to circumstances that could only improve with time (maturity, school, career, etc.), staying friends with your ex is reasonable. If the love was true but the time was off, you may very well discover that a second chance is just what you need.
Remember, WHAT YOU DESERVE IS a loving, lasting relationship that both people want to be a part of.
The article’s balanced perspective is helpful. It doesn’t outright dismiss the idea of staying friends but advises caution and introspection, which is sensible advice.
The guidance on how to evaluate one’s feelings towards an ex is particularly useful. It helps in making a conscious decision rather than one driven by lingering emotions.
The article provides a thorough analysis of the complexities involved in staying friends with an ex. It highlights the emotional challenges and the importance of self-awareness before making such a decision.
I agree. The emphasis on emotional readiness is crucial. Without it, maintaining a friendship can lead to more harm than good.
This piece effectively outlines various scenarios where staying friends might work or fail. The focus on mutual consent and emotional neutrality is well-placed.
One of the strong points is the discussion about external factors like mutual friends or children. These aspects can complicate or necessitate continued interaction, making neutral ground important.
Indeed, context matters a lot. The article’s mention of maturity and timing also adds a realistic touch to the discussion.
Absolutely. Sometimes, professional or social circles make it difficult to cut ties entirely, so a friendly demeanor becomes essential.