The Myth of Closure
Closure is not something you are given. It is not a gift. Closure is something that can not be given but is a ritual we need to create for ourselves by ourselves. Sure, individuals can participate in being part of a process that is needed to give peace. At the same time, the individual connecting the puzzle pieces is the main catalyst for such a process while delicately balancing/releasing fantasies tied to outcomes. In other words, closure is not a gift that can be given yet we mistakenly say that people need to “give” us closure. Yes, some relationships do end with some very clear and defined energies of closure, most have been very long-term and committed in nature, such as marriages and engagements where social expectations are high, but clear-cut closure is the exception in relationships, not the rule. Closure is something that you take. In most cases, closure is an experience that you go through alone, not with your ex, but alone. How do you take your closure? There are many ways to do so. Closure is simply an acceptance that the relationship you once had is now over. You are no longer partners. You are once again two separate entities who are now free to look for a more compatible partner. Closure requires letting go. Some people take their closure once their ex becomes involved with a new love, some take their closure after a month or two of no contact and no attempted reconciliation occurs, some take their closure when they meet someone new and feel a true interest in moving forward with the new person, everyone is different. The people who never receive closure are the people who sit around waiting for their ex to give it to them. They surrender all of their power to someone who has most likely taken their own closure quite some time ago, waiting for a gift of closure that never comes, from an ex who is long gone. If you would like closure to your situation, reach out and take it, that’s the only way to get it. It’s all about acceptance. Accept the change that has occurred, you are not half of a couple, you are an independent individual and you can move forward without hearing, from your ex, all the reasons the relationship failed. Will anything your ex tells you about your breakup really make you feel better? Will it make any more sense to you? Does knowing with a certainty exactly why your relationship failed make it any easier to move on? Perhaps, but do not waste months or years of your time and energy waiting for something that will likely never come. In my experience, those who have an actual closure conversation rarely feel comforted. Instead they try to argue the points and make their ex see the relationship in a particular way —their way. This is not what moving on looks like. Instead try to see that you had a relationship that did not work out the way you hoped it would. Think of the positives and negatives of that particular partnership and learn from them. Take the good into your next experience and leave the bad behind. Take your closure and get on with your life! The sooner you do, the happier you will be.